Lily, I absolutely love the way you boiled that down. Thank you for reading and also for leaving such a warm and appreciative comment! Sorry for the delay in thanking you, too, it has been a busy weekend.
I taught a personal essay class in a women’s prison. Except for a young woman who’d killed someone driving drunk and another who had gone mad, all of the women - 16 of them - had been raped or assaulted, many as children, and almost all of them were under the control of men when they committed their crimes. No one wants to recognize how common rape is. Just another shocking fact that we have to wrap our heads around and keep moving forward.
Thank you for saying this, Elizabeth. It’s shocking the degree to which male violence is behind female criminality. Which is why we must speak more openly about it where we can, dissolve the shame (which should not be with the rapee but the rapist) and find ways, as you say, of releasing its hold on us.
Such a beautiful post, and an important one. I pray you fly through that gate this time, wonderful Ros. Thank you SO much for all your words, and for having the courage to let them fly as much as you have already done. You’re making a path in the sky for others to follow. Bless you times a million, and I hope you will feel protected as you fly by all the people who love and appreciate you and your words. 🪽❤️🪽
Thank you, Joy. I feel like I have made a real breakthrough with this issue at last. All this fear (starting with first marriage fear) has been surfacing since January and bit by bit I am working through its aspects. I can feel a serious shift/lift in my spirits; I'm feeling very joyful about 95% of the time, which is somewhat astonishing! I am looking forward to spending some time with *your* words in the next fortnight. (Sorry to say you are in something of a queue!)
Gillian, thank you. I love your work here too, so it was very special to get this kind comment from you. I so appreciate the hug, and being seen :-) xx
Just saying hi, having subscribed. Loving reading your thought-provoking posts. We've actually followed each other on X for ages. I'm a sixty-something single mum to a twenty-something who has yet to find their way after a poor covid-uni experience. I've blogged about books since 2008, reading has always been my passion - and has got me into trouble more than once (buying too many books was cited in my ex's reasons for divorcing me). Now I have a big confession to make - despite owning a first edition of The Marlowe Papers with its lovely boards - which I bought on publication ... I haven't read it ... yet. I promise I will.
Hi Annabel! Thank you so much for subscribing. Yes former-Twitter has turned into a place I don't want to be anymore, but it's lovely here. I was a single mum for ages and I also have a somewhat lost offspring post covid-uni, so snap! Sounds like your ex was not a keeper, honestly. Reminds me of a former boyfriend who told me I thought to much. I hope you enjoy The Marlowe Papers when you get around to it. I'm told (top tip from readers) reading the first few pages aloud really helps you settle in and forget it's in verse. Just think of it as prose set in very short paragraphs!
Dear Ros, in short yes I have fear of attention which is why I cam off FB and all social media. I completely understand the visceral fear of what the next comment for some arse on the internet will contain. Mine is a fear of being beaten up. My father was a very violent man not to me but to me elder brother. But actually what was equally bad or perhaps even worse was the anger. I think this whole debate recently about slapping children misses the point. At least I know why I hurt if someone strikes me. Anger and angry words go very deep. Thanks for sharing. I've not tried EFT on it but I will. EFT is frankly amazing. Recently it helped me go a long way to curing my fear of heights. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this too, Steve. It's horrendous living with someone with anger issues, and witnessing violence. Words can stay with you for a lifetime too - I know they have with me. Words have their own kind of insidious violence and stay with you where bruises and broken bones would heal. I'm glad you're having good experiences with EFT.
This was so painful to read, as in I feel the pain of all you've been through, and being an antelope I recognise myself in much of this. Some experiences similar, some different, and yet the same. I will stand with you as you continue to use your voice on here. Now go shout! ♥️
Well, maybe just speak up confidently because shouting isn't good for the throat or the blood pressure! I hope you will, too. Thank you for your kindness and support.
Just a small comment to send you love. I first “met” you on Twitter when you were raising money to do something amazing and had no idea you had all this awfulness in your background (which as you say so many of us do). I applaud you for continuing to try and do good in this world despite the attention it inevitably brings. ❤️❤️. Also as you know cannot WAIT for pirate novel 2…
Thank you. I remember exactly when you came into my life on Twitter, and how your lovely husband came round my house to offer his help gratis. And then that attempt at kindness ended up being abused too, as I think I told you(? I had to be careful about revealing details at the time, because it involved my daughter), which was somewhat heartbreaking. The problem being I think we can set up these little ripples early in our lives that keep playing out in different ways until we clear the energy of the original traumas. Something I am working on.
Re pirate novel, you'll be pleased to know that a revised and restructured version of 2 and 3 are going in the post to my new agent tomorrow! (He is old school, so there is an actual pile of pages at my right elbow as I type this).
I didn’t know how that ended up - obv no need to say on here, so sorry your daughter also impacted. All we can do is try and behave in the way we feel is right, it is very hard. I’m with you on those old patterns, they play out and play out. Love to you ❤️
Thank you for writing this. This might be one of the first times I’ve seen someone else write about being drugged and raped by an intimate partner. I feel seen lol. But truly, thank you for writing this. I’m glad you won’t be going anywhere. It seems like there is meaningful support for you here… if it can somehow feel more potent than the challenging people… but we’re wired to pay attention to the fearful things so I get it. I hope our comments will spur you on to write more and feel safe here. Thank you again.
Thank you so much, Cika. I'm so glad these the words helped you feel seen. We so often bury our stories of violence because it feels scary to even begin to go back to them in our imaginations. But then other women, who have been through the same or similar, continue to feel isolated. I love that by sharing these old hurts, we can connect and build strength and community. Much love to you.
Thank you, Wendy. Yes, different tools work better for different people. I think with deep trauma, the 'words' aspect of EFT can be quite something to deal with and EMDR can be a gentler way to neutralise it. It suits me well because I'm something of a 'face the pain and run through it' kind of person. Working with a skilled EFT practitioner they can use something like EFT's 'movie technique' or even the EFT-derivative 'Matrix Reimprinting' (in which I trained also) in order to avoid you having to directly re-experience the emotions of the original event. But working on your own (as I did for years because I couldn't afford to pay a practitioner) it was pretty raw and scary sometimes using EFT. I knew though, that if I just kept tapping through, the fear and pain would come right down to zero in ... well, under 20 minutes at the very outside. I love that there are so many properly effective modalities for releasing trauma now, though. It gives great hope to all of us who have been crippled by it. Stick with what works for you, definitely!
Such a simple story, from "see me" to here's what happened because you did not see me -
made so profound by the fleshing out of it. And finally the generosity of sharing the EFT link - thank you for writing a better world.
Lily, I absolutely love the way you boiled that down. Thank you for reading and also for leaving such a warm and appreciative comment! Sorry for the delay in thanking you, too, it has been a busy weekend.
I taught a personal essay class in a women’s prison. Except for a young woman who’d killed someone driving drunk and another who had gone mad, all of the women - 16 of them - had been raped or assaulted, many as children, and almost all of them were under the control of men when they committed their crimes. No one wants to recognize how common rape is. Just another shocking fact that we have to wrap our heads around and keep moving forward.
Thank you for saying this, Elizabeth. It’s shocking the degree to which male violence is behind female criminality. Which is why we must speak more openly about it where we can, dissolve the shame (which should not be with the rapee but the rapist) and find ways, as you say, of releasing its hold on us.
Such a beautiful post, and an important one. I pray you fly through that gate this time, wonderful Ros. Thank you SO much for all your words, and for having the courage to let them fly as much as you have already done. You’re making a path in the sky for others to follow. Bless you times a million, and I hope you will feel protected as you fly by all the people who love and appreciate you and your words. 🪽❤️🪽
Thank you, Joy. I feel like I have made a real breakthrough with this issue at last. All this fear (starting with first marriage fear) has been surfacing since January and bit by bit I am working through its aspects. I can feel a serious shift/lift in my spirits; I'm feeling very joyful about 95% of the time, which is somewhat astonishing! I am looking forward to spending some time with *your* words in the next fortnight. (Sorry to say you are in something of a queue!)
I’m so glad to hear that, re: lifts, shifts and most of all, joy!!! I’m looking forward to my next turn with you very much!
Ros, I see you. I’m sending you a hug and a vote for continuing to be brave. This post was deep, beautiful and painful and touched my heart. Thanks Xo
Gillian, thank you. I love your work here too, so it was very special to get this kind comment from you. I so appreciate the hug, and being seen :-) xx
Just saying hi, having subscribed. Loving reading your thought-provoking posts. We've actually followed each other on X for ages. I'm a sixty-something single mum to a twenty-something who has yet to find their way after a poor covid-uni experience. I've blogged about books since 2008, reading has always been my passion - and has got me into trouble more than once (buying too many books was cited in my ex's reasons for divorcing me). Now I have a big confession to make - despite owning a first edition of The Marlowe Papers with its lovely boards - which I bought on publication ... I haven't read it ... yet. I promise I will.
Hi Annabel! Thank you so much for subscribing. Yes former-Twitter has turned into a place I don't want to be anymore, but it's lovely here. I was a single mum for ages and I also have a somewhat lost offspring post covid-uni, so snap! Sounds like your ex was not a keeper, honestly. Reminds me of a former boyfriend who told me I thought to much. I hope you enjoy The Marlowe Papers when you get around to it. I'm told (top tip from readers) reading the first few pages aloud really helps you settle in and forget it's in verse. Just think of it as prose set in very short paragraphs!
Dear Ros, in short yes I have fear of attention which is why I cam off FB and all social media. I completely understand the visceral fear of what the next comment for some arse on the internet will contain. Mine is a fear of being beaten up. My father was a very violent man not to me but to me elder brother. But actually what was equally bad or perhaps even worse was the anger. I think this whole debate recently about slapping children misses the point. At least I know why I hurt if someone strikes me. Anger and angry words go very deep. Thanks for sharing. I've not tried EFT on it but I will. EFT is frankly amazing. Recently it helped me go a long way to curing my fear of heights. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this too, Steve. It's horrendous living with someone with anger issues, and witnessing violence. Words can stay with you for a lifetime too - I know they have with me. Words have their own kind of insidious violence and stay with you where bruises and broken bones would heal. I'm glad you're having good experiences with EFT.
Great post - thank you
Incredible writing and wisdom. Or in other words, "I see you."
This was so painful to read, as in I feel the pain of all you've been through, and being an antelope I recognise myself in much of this. Some experiences similar, some different, and yet the same. I will stand with you as you continue to use your voice on here. Now go shout! ♥️
Well, maybe just speak up confidently because shouting isn't good for the throat or the blood pressure! I hope you will, too. Thank you for your kindness and support.
Just a small comment to send you love. I first “met” you on Twitter when you were raising money to do something amazing and had no idea you had all this awfulness in your background (which as you say so many of us do). I applaud you for continuing to try and do good in this world despite the attention it inevitably brings. ❤️❤️. Also as you know cannot WAIT for pirate novel 2…
Thank you. I remember exactly when you came into my life on Twitter, and how your lovely husband came round my house to offer his help gratis. And then that attempt at kindness ended up being abused too, as I think I told you(? I had to be careful about revealing details at the time, because it involved my daughter), which was somewhat heartbreaking. The problem being I think we can set up these little ripples early in our lives that keep playing out in different ways until we clear the energy of the original traumas. Something I am working on.
Re pirate novel, you'll be pleased to know that a revised and restructured version of 2 and 3 are going in the post to my new agent tomorrow! (He is old school, so there is an actual pile of pages at my right elbow as I type this).
I didn’t know how that ended up - obv no need to say on here, so sorry your daughter also impacted. All we can do is try and behave in the way we feel is right, it is very hard. I’m with you on those old patterns, they play out and play out. Love to you ❤️
What was your Substack Note which went viral? And the article in the Guardian? It would be nice to have links to these things.
Good idea, I will add links to the piece tomorrow, but for you, the note is here https://substack.com/@rosbarber/note/c-52774815?r=aywda&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action and the Guardian piece here: https://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2016/mar/21/for-me-traditional-publishing-means-poverty-but-self-publish-no-way It is worth pointing out I had no control over the title or subtitle and I was only talking about me and lit fic. I was already self-publishing non-fiction on Leanpub.
Thank you for writing this. This might be one of the first times I’ve seen someone else write about being drugged and raped by an intimate partner. I feel seen lol. But truly, thank you for writing this. I’m glad you won’t be going anywhere. It seems like there is meaningful support for you here… if it can somehow feel more potent than the challenging people… but we’re wired to pay attention to the fearful things so I get it. I hope our comments will spur you on to write more and feel safe here. Thank you again.
Thank you so much, Cika. I'm so glad these the words helped you feel seen. We so often bury our stories of violence because it feels scary to even begin to go back to them in our imaginations. But then other women, who have been through the same or similar, continue to feel isolated. I love that by sharing these old hurts, we can connect and build strength and community. Much love to you.
Great post. I have tried EFT for chronic pain. I have discovered EMDR works better for me, especially with past traumas.
Thank you, Wendy. Yes, different tools work better for different people. I think with deep trauma, the 'words' aspect of EFT can be quite something to deal with and EMDR can be a gentler way to neutralise it. It suits me well because I'm something of a 'face the pain and run through it' kind of person. Working with a skilled EFT practitioner they can use something like EFT's 'movie technique' or even the EFT-derivative 'Matrix Reimprinting' (in which I trained also) in order to avoid you having to directly re-experience the emotions of the original event. But working on your own (as I did for years because I couldn't afford to pay a practitioner) it was pretty raw and scary sometimes using EFT. I knew though, that if I just kept tapping through, the fear and pain would come right down to zero in ... well, under 20 minutes at the very outside. I love that there are so many properly effective modalities for releasing trauma now, though. It gives great hope to all of us who have been crippled by it. Stick with what works for you, definitely!
Thank you for responding with more information for me.
It's a pleasure, Wendy. I'm sorry it took a couple of days, it has been a busy old weekend!